They All Laughed at Ford and His Lizzie – Jan/Feb 2000

It is my turn to bore all of you with yet another millennium musing. I figure I have just as much overall insight as anyone else – I can be as subjective as the next guy. This won’t be a list. I gave up the list idea after reading Newsweek. In their top 50 people of the last M they included Madonna (the traffic-cones-ala-breasts one – not the Virgin) and Oprah. How can any list I create be as entertaining as that? Mine will be in the form of an achievement wrap up and forward thrust kind of thing. I’m not much of a history buff, and certainly no scientist, so there goes the credibility angle, however, everything listed here was widely publicized in cutting edge material like the Seattle Times or seen on KIRO TV News at 11:00. Ultimately I can only add my perspective on how far we’ve come, and where we appear to be going, but that never stops anyone else. Hopefully this will set your century off with fresh hope and a new vision. 

In my loosely titled Achievements Category I spotlight medicine. Before you assume I will choose breakthroughs in alleviating horrific diseases like breast cancer, MS, arthritis, etc., please get your hopes in perspective. These may have not occurred, but we do face the new century with two major discoveries. In second place – the knowledge that to live 100 years all one needs to consume are broccoli or cabbage, aspirin and wine – now that is medical advancement. (It may or may not be relevant that anyone over 45 whose stomach can tolerate a daily diet of these products already has the digestive constitution of a vulture.) But even this information is small medical potatoes in comparison to the number one medical miracle of the 20th century – Viagra. What more can I say except I gather further joy and hope knowing that there seems to be a new “partner” drug coming out in the next year that will make women want sex more often.

My We’ve Come A Long Way Baby winner, hands down, is not obtaining the right to vote for women, those theoretical equal wages, or birth control. No, nothing can compare to the joy I and my sisters felt when the OK was given for a women to legally take part in a boxing match with a man. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never forget the thrill I got knowing this breakthrough had finally been made. (Little known fact – the suffragettes’ motto had been shortened by the press. It was originally “Give Women the Right to Vote and Box”.) Not only will we now be treated as equals in all walks of life, but I’m convinced this is the solution to domestic violence. A bell and gloves in every home – the great equalizer.

My Greatest Miracles category would be incomplete without the sightings of the last several years. We obviously all, religious or not, need to believe in miracles, and are constantly confirming their existence through sightings. Nothing in my life will compare to the Jesus in the Taco sighting. Headlines were made (rightfully so) when someone discovered Jesus’ image (or it may have been Mary – that pesky headwear) while eating a taco somewhere in the Southwest. This event took place in the 1980’s – those glorious days when disco was king. I take heart knowing that it is still being preserved somewhere, and that if it’s anywhere as popular as it was then, hundreds are still holding vigil. I know some of you will argue that the sighting in the early 1990’s of Mary in a reflection made by someone’s bathroom window, was not only far better attended, but was of much greater importance. (This one, I believe, was in England.) For me, however, there is simply no comparison with a miracle in a food product and a miracle in a loo.

Reasons to Live is topped by my reading the recent article in the Seattle Times that informed its eager public that although environmentally speaking, things may seem hopeless at times – rain forests gutted, species lost, blond frogs – not to worry. There has been funding obtained to clone a living mastodon from the frozen carcass of one found last year in Siberia. We no longer need to worry about the extinction of elephants–we can replace them with a bigger, better, furrier model. Yes, only one gender at this moment and they’ll all look alike, but who cares, we’ll have some. If this works we can all kill eagles again, and bring back your cryogenicised relatives.

Art Recognition is a category necessary to justify my being in this publication. What can I say? Who am I or anyone else, to judge who was the “best” or “most important” artist in the last 1,000 years? Art is totally subjective at some point or it wouldn’t touch our hearts. Several artists took huge leaps and brought their medium into a new era. Because of this dilemma, I have been looking closely at many other rankings and almost all cite Michelangelo’s David as the single most important piece of visual art. There is no doubt it’s one of the most important achievements in art history. The artist himself, however, felt his work was much better in his last years. With this in mind, I only throw out this thought for arguments sake and to give you, as artists, something to ponder in the new century. Would David surpass all of Michelangelo’s other works, or those of all other artists if he’d been wearing a pair of Dockers?